Funnies

STORIES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH MOSTLY FROM THE PASTORS IN THE NETWORK

WISDOM

A Young pastor was newly hired by the church board. One Sunday he decided to move the piano. That week, the board had a meeting and the next Sunday he was out. The second pastor came and after a while he too, decided the piano was in the wrong place and he moved it as well. That same week the Board met, and by the next Sunday he too was gone.

The third pastor after a year in the pulpit, invited the pastors in the community to come and visit his church to celebrate his first anniversary as the pastor. The first and second pastor came as well to be supportive and they immediately noticed that the piano had been moved to the exact spot where they had moved it.

They were amazed. They asked the third pastor. How did you move the piano without getting fired? He looked at them and responsed, "I simply moved the piano one inch at a time."

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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of
happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about
this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While
she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her
clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and
started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy
says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a
poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece
of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!"

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
them to take me out when I'm dead.

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup"

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with
them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a
baby sitter."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour thy
father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how
to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy
answered, "Thou shall not kill."

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including
human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told
him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his
mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill,
and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have pain
in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching
on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

SMART JUDGE

In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his
gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

The! lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---
April 1st!"

"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'" Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1
==============================================

Acts 2:38
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman
calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."
Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had
an Ax and Two 38's!"

OLD GROUCH
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table. And, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve Her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the Classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. he just wouldn't let up one minute.

And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,.......

SMART JUDGE

     In Florida, an atheist became incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holiday to celebrate.

     The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the godless and assigned their sharpest attorneys to the case. The case was brought before a wise judge who after listening to the long, passionate presentation of the ACLU lawyers, promptly banged his
gavel and declared, "Case dismissed!"

     The! lead ACLU lawyer immediately stood and objected to the ruling and said, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews--why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah...and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

     The judge leaned forward in his chair and simply said "Obviously your client is too confused to know about or for that matter even celebrate the atheists' holiday!"

     The ACLU lawyer pompously said "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists, just when might that be, your honor?"

     The judge said "Well it comes every year on exactly the same date---
     April 1st!"

"The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God.'" Psalm 14:1, Psalm 53:1

MATRIMONIAL PROPOSAL
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a
family?" The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just
planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend
for yourselves."

PALM SUNDAY
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny
stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home,
they were carrying several palm branches. The boy asked what they were
for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by." "Wouldn't you
know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows
up!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON
One Easter Sunday morning as the minister was preaching the children's
sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He
pointed at the egg and asked the children, "What's in Here?" "I know" a
little boy exclaimed....."Pantyhose!"

JUST CURIOUS
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, "39
and holding." Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old
would you be if you
let go?"

THE TITHING
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed
around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said
loudly, "Don't pay for me Daddy. I'm under five."

THE BLESSING
The Sunday School teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say
prayers before eating?" "No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom
is a good cook!"

WELCOME TO OUR HOME

"Oh, I sure am happy to see you, " the little boy said to his
grandmother on his mother's side.
"Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to
visit us again", the little boy answered.

THE WATER PISTOL
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his
grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm
surprised at you.

Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied. . "I remember."

HALF PRICE
US Air recently introduced a special half fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable
testimonials, the PR department sent out letters to all the wives of
businessmen who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed
their trip. Letters are still pouring in asking, "What trip?"

LIFE AFTER DEATH
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his
employees. "Yes, Sir," the new employee replied. "Well, then, that
makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early
yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."

Click here: An Interview with God
http://www.webspirations.net/interview/

MORE CHURCH BLOOPERS:
These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in
a church service!

1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way
from Africa.

2. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference. The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals.

3. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the
recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

4. Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

5. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

6. Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun
time.

7. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

8. The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon
tonight:"Searching for Jesus."

9. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

10. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Pastor Jack's sermons.

11. The rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth into Joy."

12. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

13. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.

14. Don't let worry kill you off -- let the Church help.

15. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

16. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

17. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

18. Eight new choir robes are needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

19. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys
sinning to join the choir.

20. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

21. The Lutheran men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread, and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

22. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

23. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased.

24. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy
lunch.

25. The church will host an evening of fine dining superb entertainment and
gracious hostility.

26. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM. Prayer and medication to follow.

27. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They
may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

28. This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

29. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

30. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

31. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

32. The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's "Hamlet" in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy.

33. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

34. Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

35. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday, "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."